Sexual Brokenness

Ok, I know I been talking a lot about church and God stuff lately. I want to talk about world issues that I read about, and other stuff (can't think of anything right now, duh). But I been kinda in this interesting place lately. So as my dad would say, "It is, what it is."

So yeah on the churchy note, I went to a conference called "Freedom from Sexual Bondage" tonite. On a side note: I did the brochure a few months back and when I went in to check on the printing they were like, "which brochure is yours?" and I'd say, "the sexual bondage one." It didn't cross my mind right away that that sounded strange saying in the middle of print shop with other people around.

I think it's really good that we can talk about sex in the church. I mean, how often do you hear the Sunday sermon mention sex, or homosexuality or any of that?

Newsflash - its all over the place. One thing he did say tonite that I thought was so true was about sexual brokenness and how its everywhere. He told one pastor that if he had a 15 people sitting in a pew about 2 would struggle with homosexuality, 4 would've been sexually abused, and the rest would struggle with a variety of other issues like porn, adultery, sexual obsession etc. (not his exact words.) But basically, the point was that was just one row of the church.

I can't imagine the majority of the people I saw there having any sexual brokenness. Like there is Edith, the sweetest Japanese grandma I know or the other older aunty types. I know Pastor Rob is a pastor so its good for him to be there to learn about it. And I can see how it applies to some other of my friends who have gone through divorces.

But I think there was a small number of us who were there because our past is absolutely shameful. Not saying my brokenness is worse than anyone else. We all carry different "luggage" and it comes in different shapes (suitcase, backpack, duffel, carry-on), sizes, colors and accessories (wheels, handle extensions, etc.). As we travel through life some people travel more than others, some pack light, some heavy. We are all unique in our situations.

The challenge is that I know this and yet I still think my stuff is so horrible. I bet each person thinks that. At least until they hear someone's story that is actually worse, then we all feel better. Its really so ridiculous. Sin is sin, there are no shades of grey. Its all black or white.

I know I'm forgiven and free of my past. But like he said tonite about himself, I'm still tempted, still human and weak. I could go back to my past if I wanted to. I can rationalize whatever I want in my head and jump right in. God might even let me go. I have free choice.

I think of Neo in the Matrix when he's on his way to me Morpheous and Trinity tells him he can get out of the car if he wants to, but that he knows its just a dead end. Been there done that. So when I'm tempted to live in my "old nature" its not long before I remember the dead end I hit before. I consider it, believe me, I wish I was all perfect and never ever thought about that stuff.

It really sux to want love and think this is the way and never attain what you are after. I think I love me more now than I ever did. But that only started because Someone loved me first and then I found out.

During worship tonite I felt like the Lord said that He made us so complex emotionally, and physically and that it was meant to be a good thing. It wasn't meant to be painful and humiliating. Basically, from what I understood is that He was saying sex is suppose to be something wonderful to encourage and strengthen the relationship between two people (and to reproduce obviously). Abused it can destroy a person and others. I never thought about how powerful it is to our whole being in context with another that way before. I always just saw it as a flesh, lust, desire thing.

Well, I'm still processing all of this - more to come later.