Make Over!

Ok so its been a crazy week. I was sick Monday and Tuesday, then Wednesday I went and found out the results of my cyst and had the stitches removed. Then went to a workshop on Coaching Wednesday night, Thursday day and night. And all that to say, just as tasks go, that was a lot.

So let me tell you the verdict of my "cyst." I wasn't a cyst at all, it was a tumor, but it was benign. Ugh! I'd rather have a yucky 'ole cyst anyday. I prayed when I first went to get the ultrasound and asked the Lord if it was cancerous. He told me it wasn't and I had total peace about it.

Just to give you an example of how freaked I get, last year I had some minor things healthwise come up and I was just all "aaagggghhh, my life is ruined!" I was pretty drama and none of it was anything to worry about. So this was actually taken very serious by the nurses and the doctor and the whole time I'm like "yeah, ok I'll do the test, sure whatever."

I had even gotten prayer at MGMC one night and one of the ladies felt like it wasn't cancerous either. Now, I didn't tell her the Lord told me it wasn't, she just got that from Him, too. So that was encouraging.

But the best, was when the doctor confirmed it wasn't cancer. I wanted to tell him that from the beginning but I'm so glad I waited til after he gave me the results. He seemed really happy it wasn't cancerous, too. Then I told him I had prayed and what I heard from the Lord. He just smiled and said, "He told you that?" It was great.

Ok, so the rest of my week after being sick, then free from cancer, I go to this coaching workshop, and the day session was so small we just sat around a table. The speaker did some techniques of coaching on some of us. So then he gets to me and asks me what my passion is and I just don't know and I kinda don't want to get all exposed and vulnerable. I could totally feel the Lord's presence and just wanted to hide. So I tried my best and the speaker could tell, but no, one of the pastors in our group keeps asking these questions. So the conversation changes and we move on and I'm all "whew."

But then later the pastor guy has to dig because he's all discerning something isn't right. Duh! I'm hiding! Hello! So he starts off hypothetically, but then figures, what the hey, and just asks me straight out, "Doesn't it bother you and make you depressed that you don't have a passion?"

So I kinda tell him, "Yeah, and I've talked to the Lord and basically ... (revelation here for me) my passion needs to be Him." But I go on making like I knew that, kinda stunned, then I babbled something about how I'm working on that and I'm not there yet. Then the coach (whose from Texas & I never met) prophecies over me the same word I've gotten like 5 times now since last July, saying I need to sit at the Lord's feet and just enjoy being there. So now I'm like tearing up and the pastor guy has the look on his face like, ok now I think I can stop poking, that was it.

So I leave there kinda bothered and wondering why I'm not 100% passionate for the Lord and how to sit at his feet when I have like full days scheduled. Man, I'd love to sit at his feet all day but then there's thing to do, too. How do I do that?

So I drive back the long way and go through Waimanalo, Hawaii Kai and stuff so I can just look at the ocean to help me think. That's always real comforting for me. So I realize I've been hiding from the Lord and holding myself back. Its so much easier to hide behind doing stuff rather than engaging others or God. That can be awkward and intimate. SCARY! All that messy emotional stuff can just make you unfunctional. Sad, but true I am total relationship phobic. But that's probably obvious already.

So I confessed my hiding and decided I am going to trust God that He is faithful, like He says and He won't leave me nor forsake me. That was the big issue, I was scared that like a guy, he would just "dump"me after He was tired of me, so I didn't want to open my heart to him completely. I mean if God "dumps" you that's pretty horrific. I mean, He could, but it depends on me and my commitment, too, like any relationship. So I'm not gonna hide and see if I can live kinda at his feet from whatever I'm doing or wherever I'm at. You know, like from a place of peace, at his feet. Hopefully, some change will take place, we'll have to see. The whole process thing could take awhile, its not like McDonald's - fast.

I can't believe after not wanting to be transparent I'm gonna post this on the blog, but if I hurry up and post it, I won't have to think about it.