Spoiled Brat

Depression hit me today and knocked me out.
My friend Randall suggested we do an excercise that calls us to write out 100 goals or wishes. It doesn't matter if its possible or practical. Just 100 specific desires or dreams. Of course not to grow wings and fly or something ridiculous, like that. But just short of that, I guess.

So I been working on my list and realized I'm 34 years old, not married and no prospects. On one hand I'm stoked I have such freedom and can do soooo much. But I realized I been waiting and waiting for so long for something to happen, I started to feel like I missed out on soooo much. Then the uncertainty of something happening and then needing to settle down and how hard it is to have kids in your 40s. Ugh, the idea still is very unappealing to me. But there is so much I still want to actually do. And when I do get married I don't want to have children right away. But I dont want to be old. Time stops for no one. (Well, the sun did stand still for Joshua and moved backwards for Hezekiah, so hey, I guess I do have some hope.)

But in the midst of my pitty party, I went to a BBQ tonite and listened to a man who really had no hope. I mean, I realized I have so much hope and am so blessed by God. I know I can call out to him and whine and He actually comforts me in my pathetic doubtfulness of His goodness. But this man, just lost his mother to cancer, has an aunt who could lose her leg, injured his back and is on pain medication that keeps him from working. His knee is messed up and causes him pain, too.

I felt so horrible. I know I can turn to God and He helps me and affects my circumstances. This man had no concept to turn to God to help him in his. He had no comfort, he had no options except the doctors telling him he has to take pain pills and insurance saying they won't pay for it, and that he can't work at all, cause he can't drive on the pain medication. He's basically screwed. He's stuck.

If it was me I'd be like, "ok God, what now?" I mean God could heal me and I could work. He could have another plan for me. He could just have me down for a season, but to think, the rest of my life is on meds and not working, I would lose it. And Uncle was basically at that point.

I have my health, I have a great job and great bosses and I really am not lacking anything important. There are things I want, but I'm not lacking anything to live a blessed life. I have a car, a great home, friends, family and I'm not in debt. Of course I want more in my life, but I was so convicted that I was depressed and whining about not knowing what my future holds or having my blessings here and now. And here is one who has no hope. I really pray his life would be blessed even more than mine.