Tempest of Love

I been noticing a lot of love in the air lately. I dunno if that is the right word but thats just what I'm gonna call it to keep things simple. Personally I hate crushes, I hate the madness of desiring someone I am uncertain about and I really hate rejection.

Over the past 7 years I've have learned the ultimate torture of my own heart over my mind. My heart can turn a look from a man or a word into a movie about the rest of my life. My mind knows it ridiculous but I can't turn the movie off.

In the struggle to get my heart to see rationally, I feel like that guy in the fight club where he's beating himself up and he's trying to fight back but it still ends up with him beating himself up. It's all very exhausting.

But I have to admit I've gained some ground on the dealing with the tempest of my heart and know how to ride it out a lot better. Its kinda like Jesus calming the storm, but i'm not quite that good at it yet.

Basically, a number of years ago, I met a man who loved God more than his own life. When I looked at him I could see God's love all over him and I felt like I could see Jesus in his eyes. The anointing on him was so obvious and he was always kind to me. I could feel my heart composing the story of the rest of my life with this man.

The trouble was he was not available. There were a bunch of other details that also made it clear he wasn't for me, but even though my mind knew that my heart didn't listen.

I struggled in every possible way with this issue. I tried to cut him down and see his bad points and hate him. I tried to be mean to him and provoke him to be a jerk. Then I was convicted by the Lord that I was dishonoring His son whom he loved.

I tried to find other guys I could crush on. I tried to dedicate myself to the Lord for a year, and then another year. I prayed and prayed and prayed and asked the Lord to tell me if this man was His best choice for me. Even the Lord told me himself he was not for me.

I would cry out to the Lord to free my heart from this desire. Sometimes I'd be driving in my car with the windows up shouting my prayers to Him, to make sure He could hear me in Heaven. For a few days after, I'd feel clear headed and in control. Then it would come back. I had my friends talk with me and pray for me, but still I felt totally vicitmized by this crush.

This went on for a number of years and I'm certain he knew I crushed on him. But during that whole time he never rejected me or condemned me. I expected that if I liked a guy who didn't like me he'd just reject me and I could hate him or move on. But he always treated me with love, kindness and acceptance. That blows me away, even now.

We're still friends, and he is still an amazing man, but I finally got free. Don't ask how, I don't know. It was just gradual and less tormenting. But I had to keep coming before the Lord and give myself up to Him.

I know the Lord built character and self control in me and more. I think sometimes when people are attracted to someone they just look at the basics and not what the Lord has to say about it. Or what the Lord might have for them later. What about destiny? What about calling? What does this person think about the things you love and value?

I have a few friends who married men who were very different than them in value and calling. They are all Christian but their lives are on a different track now, than they were before they married. I believe the Lord can redeem that but there have been compromises along the way that need to be dealt with, too.

I've been attracted to other guys also, but I want a man that I can see Jesus in. Believe me I still battle with my heart telling me to like this guy or that one, but nothing is like that long battle I lived through. That battle really taught me how to manage my heart when it acts up.

I could've just avoided him and cut out so much I've learned in my life. It was hard but it was worth it to not run. I've learned that I can be loved and affirmed, without having to plug into that source to rely on forever. The source I need to plug into is Jesus and get it from him.

With all this talk about being attracted to a person or desiring another, I think its so much easier to ride out your emotions rather than taking them captive and controlling oneself. But there is a cost to one's heart, spirit and I'd say even to one's self image.

But if a person does take the hard road the benefits are huge. If you wait it out, guard you heart and allow God to make anything happen, if that is in His plan for you, it is much less humiliating, less fragmenting and it will strengthen whatever relationship does take root.

If a good man comes into my life and nothing comes of it, then God must have something even better in mind for me. And I think if we all wait on the Lord, we'll get more than we could imagine or hope for. That's my logic at least. It isn't easy, and can be tormenting or like riding out a storm, but God only has His BEST in store for us so it must be worth the wait.